Snarky McSnarkster. A/k/a I'm Grateful.

(our last prompt in Prompt Club was to write 1000 words starting with the words, "I'm grateful.")

I’m grateful, truly I am.  Roof over our heads, food on the table, money to pay the bills and from time to time visit a fancy restaurant like Chipotle or Granite City.  I have three healthy kids, a beautiful granddaughter and a husband who still wants to hold my hand all the time.  I have been on the opposite end of the financial and romantic spectrum, so suffice it to say I know whereof I speak.

I’m also grateful for things other people might not think of as worthy of appreciation—for instance, my gift of sarcasm.  So when we drew the prompt where you had to start a story with the words “I’m grateful”, I immediately snarked it up.

I’m grateful that years ago before a doctor’s appointment, I was able to help my middle daughter learn to pronounce “vaginal” correctly without laughing. 

I like to think I spared her the embarrassment I endured when my 7^th grade science teacher asked our class what the hangy thing in the back of the throat is called. 

Turns out “vulva” was not the answer he was searching for.  That day, I comforted my 12 year old self with the thought that I didn’t need social acceptance and popularity anyway. 

Fast forward 35 years, and guess what…that social acceptance and popularity thing is on its way because my youngest daughter just told me that in another week or so her six new puppies will be winged.  If that’s the case we’ll all be so popular we’ll have to move.  I’m grateful I have days off coming because puppies are a lot of work to begin with, but flying puppies and a nine month old—that’s a recipe for disaster. 

I’m grateful for the fact that I got shingles right before my daughter’s 21^st birthday, so that I was forced to cancel plans to take my granddaughter for the weekend like I had promised months prior so she could celebrate.  I’m also grateful that I didn’t have to worry about sleeping while I was suffering with that wretched condition, because that gave me plenty of time to worry about a worrisome secondary rash and the mushroom of a cold sore on my lip.  It also gave me extra time to drunk-google late at night terms like “duration of shingles” or “shingles rash” or “should you drink when you have shingles” or my personal favorite, “how many people die per year from shingles”. 

Actual shingles that were on my back.
ps. Good news.  I didn't die.  But it sure did burn. 

 

I’m also really, truly grateful that when I finally was able to give my husband the seductive come-hither green light after the whole shingles/cold sore fiasco, Aunt Flo decided to come for an extended visit.  She didn’t just bring an overnight bag like she normally did but in fact the biggest, bulkiest suitcases she owned and jammed them in my uterus but good.  I’m plotting her demise and she will be grateful when her death finally arrives.

I’m grateful for the snowfall that prevented our family from a 2 hour drive into Plainfield on New Year’s Day for a delayed Christmas celebration to see family I don’t see often.  I hadn’t gone grocery shopping because I knew we’d be in Plainfield, so there was hardly anything edible in the house.  However, it’s good to experience true hunger once in a while.  Thankfully we were able to gag down all of those old, questionable leftovers and dry Christmas cookies whilst face-timing with the Plainfield crowd, watching everyone eat spinach dip and cheese potatoes.

I’m also really grateful they didn’t let me know ahead of time they were going to call, because it’s good for my family to see what I look like with no makeup, glasses on, and hair scraped into a brutally oily ponytail.  In case they weren’t buying all those gorgeous selfies I post online.   

I’m grateful for the guy who maintained a 4 inch distance between the front of his vehicle and the rear of mine the other night as we drove through blinding snow during rush hour.  Your thoughtlessness kept my mind off of how slick the roads were that night.  Especially helpful was the rage that kept me warm all the way home.

And speaking of slick, I’m grateful for the Kenyan sprinter masquerading as our black lab.  It’s good to test my own speed slalom skills in the back yard from time to time while being dragged behind a speedboat of a dog.  It keeps me limber.  He also helps me keep the ligaments in my shoulders stretched as he sprints off the icy back porch, yanking me with him.

And with all the things I have to be grateful for, I need to stay in the best shape possible.

Do you like to win contests?

Attention all Poets!

In Print is holding several writing contests this year!!  From now until February 28^th, we are taking poetry submissions.

Sharpen those pencils, grab your ballpoint pens and a clean tablet of paper and find a quiet place to write.

Are there prizes, you ask?  Of course there are!  Good question!  The prizes are as follows:  $75 for first place, $50 for second place, and $25 for third place.   In cold, hard cash.  Not only that, you will get recognition at the In Print meetings, on our website, and in our newsletters. 

Winners of the poetry contest will be announced at our April 13^th meeting, where local poet Christine Swanberg will be our special guest.

If you are a member of the wonderful writing group In Print, there is a $20 per fee piece, which includes judges’ feedback on your musings.

If you are not a member of In Print, the fee is still $20 per piece, but no judges’ feedback…unless, of course, you decide that In Print is a splendid writing group to join.  You would be write.  Er, right.  When you join you not only get judges’ feedback but all the valuable benefits In Print offers. 

We are holding two other writing contests this year.  One is the non-fiction writing contest.  Submissions for that are accepted May 1 through June 30 with winners announced on August 10, and the fiction contest accepts submissions from September 1 through October 31, with winners announced at the December 14^th meeting.

In Print has a panel of 5 qualified judges to read and critique submissions, and of course declare first, second, and third place.

For more complete instructions on how to enter check out the In Print website and to submit poetry, just use the In Print submission form by either clicking on this link.

Time is a fickle thing...

Why is it that time seems to go so fast? 

I find there are just not enough hours in the day to get everything I need to get done...done.

Sometimes when I am planning to sit down and write after work or on the weekend, I notice the bathroom needs to be cleaned.  A co-worker mentions a clothing drive at Hilander.  Our black lab is shedding the equivalent of one dog per day; I see black tufts of it floating into the corner.

While I do like to "keep house", it is not my passion.

Writing is my passion.

Finding quality time to write is hard.  That's what I say.

I believe everyone would agree with me when I also say that if I were to have an entire Sunday alone to write, I wouldn't. 

I'm being honest.

I would clean the bathroom.  Sort the clothes.  Vacuum.  Talk on the phone.

When only an hour or two is left until dinner, and my house is satisfactorily clean, I suddenly find the "zone", where everything I put on paper is golden. 

Time flies during those moments until I realize I can hear everyone's stomach growling, including mine, and off I go to the kitchen to make dinner.

I am upset with myself because I had the entire day to write and I only used a portion of it.  No one really cares if the bathroom goes one more day or if they have to reuse their last bath towel.  It's just my excuse. 

Why is that?  Do other writers do that?  Why am I compelled to, say, clean the microwave when I get a big chunk of time to write?

I tell myself sometimes, I'm brainstorming.  I'm developing my characters.  I'm plotting out the next great American novel.  I'm not, though. 

I am procrastinating.  I'm being lazy. 

I'm afraid.

I'm futzing away my time, only to get aggravated later when I have to rejoin the real world and put the computer away.  I think, bitterly, I never get time to write.

The honest truth is, I have plenty of time to write.  Yes, I work full time.  Yes, I have a family, a house to clean, laundry to do, a husband whose hand I love to hold.

I also have best sellers floating around in my brain.  Great characters that are just clamoring for attention; funny characters jockeying for the same thing.  Plot lines that would delight, amaze, and thrill you.  Amazing screenplays that would have theater lines out the door, should they ever come to light.

Don't I owe it to myself to let that creativity come out? 

It doesn't matter whether or not anyone likes it.  I write for me; I write to please myself.

I do have time to write.  I just need to be disciplined enough to take it.

I need to face my fear of failing.  I also need to face my fear of success.

I think I need to quit standing in my own way.

we LOVE contests!

You’re a good writer.  You know it.  Anyone who’s read your work knows it.  Have you been thinking of entering a contest to prove to the world that you can write a winning short story?

Here’s a wonderful opportunity for you.  The In Print writer’s group is holding their 1^st annual writing contest.  Your short story has to be 1000 words or less; poetry needs to be 30 lines or less, and the only other requirement is that your story or poetry must be something about writing…an author, a group, or perhaps how you beat writer’s block. 

Will there be prizes?  You betcha…there will be one $100 winner for each category.  The deadline is June 10^th, and the winners will be announced at the August 11^th In Print meeting. 

It’s $10 for members and $15 for non members.  Checks should be made payable to In Print and sent to PO Box 2146, Loves Park, IL 61132.  Make sure each submission you send in contains your entry fee, a cover letter with your name and contact information, and your story or poetry.

Do you have lots of stories you’d like to submit?  That’s fine; just be sure to include a separate $10 or $15 fee and a cover page with each story.

We have three distinguished judges who will be judging in three categories:  fiction, non fiction, and poetry. 

You know you’re a good writer.  Time to let everyone else know!

Questions?  Call Kristin Oakley, President of In Print, at 815-275-9226.