For those of you who are squeamish, please, for the love of God, look away now. Don’t read any more.
For those of you who yearn to live vicariously through me…please, pull up a chair. Let me tell you about my day.
At 45-almost-46, my baby factory has been shut down for quite some time, due to the fact that I had my tubes tied after I had my youngest daughter almost 20 years ago.
I am now 240 months postpartum; I guess I should work on getting the baby weight off. (#tryharder)
About 2 months ago, despite having my tubes tied, I exhibited every single symptom of pregnancy. Sore boobs, lack of period, bloating, mood swings, nausea. In short, I was really, really fun to be around. When I say really, really fun to be around, I am lying through my teeth.
Just when the symptoms made me think I should go buy a pregnancy test, (despite the slim odds) or a priest for my exorcism, what should happen?
Aunt Flo came to town.
And the flipping bitch didn’t want to leave.
I asked her nicely to leave. When that didn’t work, I pouted. I threw fits. I threatened. I drank. I bribed.
My family wisely hid
the knives behind the furniture.
I finally said Uncle. I went to the doctor, explained everything, was examined, had blood drawn, levels tested, and a negative pregnancy test. All tests normal. (Praise God.) So far, so good. She then started me on something to help staunch the…well…you know. Besides the referral to an actual gynecologist, I thought that was the end of that.
Except that I had to get an ultrasound today. And not just any ultrasound, mind you.
(*here's where I would normally insert a picture. However, I don't have any pictures from the events of today that would be appropriate here. After all, I don't know you that well.)
The medical test from hell started when I had to drink 48 oz of water from 12:30 until 1:00 pm. I’m quite the water drinker. I drink water all day long. However, drinking this much water in ½ hour was enough to make even me gag.
I parked the car at the hospital and despite having my legs crossed tightly the entire time was able to get to the ultrasound department. It was approximately 7.5 miles from where I parked. I was afraid I was going to be late. The panicked staccato taps of my high heels on the tile floor took my mind off how badly I had to go to the bathroom.
Chris has a bad day
The first part of the test was uneventful. I greatly enjoyed the warmth of the ultrasound gel on my lower belly. It was very soothing. The room was quiet and the light was dim and I would have fallen asleep except for the excruciating pressure on my straining bladder.
When the test was over, I was led to the bathroom and told to take my time. I peed as if I hadn’t seen a toilet in a month. The relief was immediate and immense.
The ultrasound tech was hiding in the hallway and sprang out at me when I exited in the bathroom.
Her: “Are you ready for the second part of your test?”
Me: “Do you mean the part where I walk down the hall and find the exit?”
Her: (chuckling expansively) “Silly you. The second part, the internal exam.”
Me: (smile fades, face pales.) “No. No, I'm not ready for that.”
Despite the elfin size, her iron grip lead me directly back into the room, where I am forced to “take off everything below the waist, but if you want to leave your shoes on you can.”
Leave my shoes on? Really? And take everything else off? I have on black high heels, no pantyhose. The thought of being nekked below the waist except for black high heels was a bit…pornographic to me. The shoes came off with all the other below the waist things, and I was grateful that I had a cute pedicure.
Funny what you think of, grooming wise, when you’re having an internal ultrasound. My feet were not the only thing I had groomed, and I was glad.
“You’ll feel a slight pressure.” It was the only warning I got before the “wand” was “inserted” by Vlad the Impaler.
She apologized for the “pressure” over and over while applying said pressure and also for the fact that a couple of times I choked on it as it was coming up my throat.
Finally she finished up and withdrew the entire 3 feet of wand. I am thrown several dry washcloths to absorb all of the gel. I feel like the guy in the shower in “The Crying Game.”
She escorted me down the hall. I noticed that she kept looking to the right and left.
Me: “Did you lose something?”
Her: “No. I’m just looking for the right sized broomstick. You’re not my only ultrasound today.”
*I went home and told my friend Lambrusco all about it.