Chris vs the tool in customer service

So, I’m telling Joe how the conversation went between me and the (rhymes with Bohl's) customer service guy.  We had paid his bill one day late.  We never pay anything late so I told Joe I was going to call Bohl’s and get it waived.  Seeing as how the late fee was more than the actual purchase. 

You know the part where they say on the recording “calls may be recorded for customer service training?”  I must have missed the part where they say very quietly, “we’re going to connect you to a real asshat who has been trained well on how to dick you around.”

Conversation:

Me:  Hi, my husband paid his charge card one day late.  I was wondering if you could waive that for me.  He hardly ever charges anything on it so we forgot to make the little $20 payment. 

Tool:  Let me take a look at his credit history while I pretend I’m in the United States.  Yep, it’s good and due to your excellent credit history, yep we’ll waive the late fee.  But you still owe the minimum payment.

Me:  But we don’t have to pay anything this month, right?  Because the only charge on the bill is that silly ol’ late fee.  You know, the one you so kindly just waived. 

Tool:  You still have to make the minimum payment.

Me:  There is no minimum payment listed.  There’s only the late fee for $15. 

Tool:  (trying to find this on the customer service script) That is the minimum payment and if you don’t pay it, you’ll get another late fee.

Me:  YOU JUST WAIVED THE LATE FEE.  Technically, there’s no balance.  How could I incur a late fee on a zero balance?

(He pauses for a moment.  I’ve thrown him, I know.  I savor the superior feeling.  But what’s that?  He finds his place in the book.)

Tool:  (he triumphantly sings this next part.)  Ma’am, there is a balance of $21.64, for a purchase made after the statement date.  You have to pay the minimum payment of $15 to avoid incurring another late fee, Mrs. Cackyeetoe.

Me:  Nice try on the last name. 

Tool:  We can take your payment over the phone.

Me:  (under breath) you are a total dick.

***

I finally have to give in and pay the $15 nonexistent balance.  Mostly because the vein in my temple was threatening to explode, but also because I didn’t want to incur a late fee on a late fee I didn’t owe.

You can keep your stupid 30% coupon, by the way. 

Christmas wishes. And gift cards.

My husband asked me the other day for a Christmas list.  I hemmed.  I hawed.  I wrote a total of:  two things.  One, a good pair of silver hoops for everyday wear (read:  days when I'm too lazy to look at my earring "shirt" and find something color coordinated) and also a soft, comfy black cardigan.  Oh, I may have mentioned "a ring" too.  In that silly, girly, breathy I-want-sparkly-jewelry sort of way. 

Are there other things I want?  Sure there are.  However, I'm the one who does the most Christmas shopping (I'm a control freak) and when I see something around Christmas time that I want, weeeeeellllll, pretty much I get it. 

Case in point...ordering from Kohl's online today.  Got everything I needed for other people but WHAT'S THAT???  Pajama pants with penguins on them?  Yes, please.  Click!

I'm a procrastinator.  I don't do my Christmas shopping like a lot of people, which is to say that I do it much later.  As of right now, I'm only about 50% done and instead of being out shopping right now...I'm writing.  And thinking seriously about a glass of wine.  But really, my kids are old enough now that they would rather have gift cards.  And how long does it take to go get a gift card?  They don't run out, they're always the right size, and the kids really, truly appreciate them. 

I buy gift cards as opposed to the jeans or shirts I would get them once upon a time that would sit in their closets, tagged, until they were outgrown and given to Amvets, mostly because those ba$tards at Plato's Closet buy everyone else's stained, torn clothing but not my new stuff that has tags on it.  People at Plato's Closet, pay attention.  Stop buying crap from your friends. 

I buy gift cards for the kids because I don't have a personal shopper.  Because I am not very good at picking out things that my children would actually wear.  The only things I'm pretty safe buying for them are camisoles (for the girls, and maybe one for me) and funny t shirts (for the boy, and maybe one for me).  I don't really have any sort of sense of style or color matching ability.  What this means is I wear black pants a LOT.
 
Popular gifts for the youngsters:  McDonalds gift cards.  Victoria's Secret gift cards.  Walmart, or Target, or Plato's Closet gift cards (for those children who like Abercrombie jeans without the Abercrombie price).  Gas station gift cards.  A gift card at virtually any store that would actually prevent me from picking out actual clothes, thinking, "Oh, (fill in name of unfortunate child) would just love this.  It would look so great on them.  So smart.  She/he could even start a fad."*

*Note to my mother:  nothing that you said would start a fad actually STARTED a fad. 

And of course, in their Christmas stockings, it's pretty standard:  candy, scratchoff cards, body wash, a Christmas Pez thingie.  An orange.  A candy cane.  Hope they're not looking at this because then they'd know what's in their stocking.  Again.  For the fifth year in a row.

(Actually, thinking about this, why the orange?  Why, because my mother used to put one in my stocking.  Sometimes we'd poke the candy cane IN THE ORANGE and suck out orange juice.  We were hardcore like that.  I also remember my sister and I getting Leggs.  Remember?  pantyhose in the egg container?  Good times.)

No matter what you gift your children with, or how soon or late you shop, it's a wonderful time of year for sharing with friends and family.  That's my focus.  In the hustle and bustle of baking, shopping, holiday parties, etc, it's really easy to lose sight of that.

And that leads me to remember one more thing that is on my Christmas list, every single year...that my family stay happy and healthy.  It is really the most important thing in the world to me.  Every year I hug my family a little tighter.  And next year, there will be a little granddaughter to celebrate with!  I am literally quivering with joy.

Merry Christmas!